So you don’t like people... especially the backpacking kind. They are crazy, too outgoing and always happy – this makes you sick to the stomach! Goon? Possibly the worst creation invented by man kind! And backpacker party nights? Ugh! You could not think of anything worse! New friends? You don't need them, you have enough at home and although the thought of sharing a room with 5 other people almost makes you vomit, your travel budget leaves with no other choice than to stay in hostels. But not too worry self acclaimed "traveller" - here are some tips to ensure that you do not make any new hostel friends.
1. Avoid Eye Contact At All Times
When making your way around the hostel, do NOT make eye contact with the backpackers. Look down. Alternatively, we recommend travelling with a smart phone! That way you can survive that awkward lift ride whilst pretending to read a very important email. Backpackers are a friendly breed however, and as a result this tactic may not work! Some backpackers are so friendly that they may just assume that you are shy, and endeavour to make the first move. If this does occur – plug in your head phones!
2. Do Not Underestimate the Importance of the Light Switch
Yes it is something we all take for granted – the light switch! As you walk into your dorm room, take note of the main switch... the switch that exudes the most amount of light into the room. This switch will become your friend! Here's what to do... it’s midnight. You’ve been reading a travel guide book and have planned your entire plan of action for the following day. You enter the room and your dorm ‘mates’ are asleep – switch it on! 3:00AM toilet break? Turn it on! Getting up at 6:00AM to catch the tour bus? TURN IT ON!
3. Learn to Snore
This is a technique that has been utilised by many lone travellers and dates back to the ancient years. It’s a hard one to pick up but there are many books and recourses out there to get you started. The louder the better. Do not warn your dorm mates of your habit and do not... we repeat, DO NOT offer your room mates ear plugs.
4. Avoid Washing Your Dishes
Ok this one is easy! Choose the kitchen utensils that are the most popular... if there is only one chopping board – fantastic! Once you have completed preparing your meal – leave the dishes in the sink. Walk away and enjoy your meal.
5. Spoil the Sights
This may be the only time that you will interact with other Backpackers. Ask them where they have been and what they want to see and do in the country. If you have yet to visit these places – pretend that you have. Even if you enjoyed these plays – pretend that you didn’t. Ensure that you portray every iconic landmark as a complete waste of time!
6. Divide Your Washing
So washing has never really been your thing... your mum usually does it for you. You love your clothing however and want to ensure that your whites are with the whites, the cottons are with the cottons and your dirty shoes have a washing machine all to themselves. Ask the reception staff what time and day is usually the most popular time for washing. Head down to the laundry at peak time and ensure that your washing is divided into at least 3 washing machines... 4 or 5 if you can! Proceed to do the same when drying. For extra points - wait for the cycle to finish and leave your clothes (and shoes) in the machine for an extra 60 minutes unattended.
7. Do Not Use Bins
Hostel Room Bin? Ignore it! Kitchen bin? Ignore! Reception Bin? Ignore! DO NOT USE BINS!
8. Do Not Engage in Activities
Most hostels in Australia and New Zealand tend to offer free daily activities that are a great way to meet other travellers and explore the area. Do not engage in these activities. Visit the sights on your own – this way you can do what you want when you want and do not have to waste time partaking in conversations with boring backpackers from across the globe.
9. Take Over Your Room
You like to travel heavy – 3 different types of hiking boots for varying weather conditions and landscapes, flip flops, a tent (for lonesome camping trips deep in the forest with no one else around), a roll up travel mattress, plus your collection of jackets, tramping gear & thick waterproof socks. To avoid making friends with those in your dorm – do not be afraid to take up as much space as possible... use all of the coat hooks, take up every inch of free carpet & if asked to move your stuff – refuse!
10. Hygiene – ignore it!
Do not shower. Do not wash your clothes. Do not brush your teeth. Possibly the easiest technique of them all!